Finding out which hospitals are best is like “a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.”

Are you tired of seeing conflicting ratings from such once respected sources as Leapfrog, Medicare Compare, HealthGrades, and Yelp?

Does it confuse you when a hospital is ranked in the top 10 by US News and World Report, but is “god-awful” according to Consumer Reports?

The Skeptical Scalpel Institute for Advanced Outcomes Research is proud to unveil a new rating system for hospitals.

Advanced metrics and creative statistics are linked with secret Bayesian methodologies, patient surveys, and publicly available databases to yield the most powerful and accurate hospital ratings ever imagined.

Just kidding.

Based on word of mouth, innuendo and rumors that have come to our attention through the back channels of the Internets, Skeptical Scalpel Ratings Plus offers unparalleled accuracy in hospital ratings.

For the low, low price of just $29.99, you will receive the Skeptical Scalpel Hospital Ratings Plus Guide

But wait, there’s more. Here’s the plus part of Skeptical Scalpel Ratings Plus. At no extra charge, we will send you information about a weird trick that will enable you to undergo open heart surgery for just $8.00. Insurance companies are furious.

That’s not all. The first 127 people to buy the guide will get a set of the sharpest kitchen knives known to man as our gift.

Are you a hospital administrator? Here are some special features of our ratings just for you.

If your hospital’s ranking is not what you think it deserves, don’t do what all the others do and waste time with in-house task forces or ad hoc committees. And don’t claim we used bad data. Since we don’t use data, that won’t work.

Instead, try an on-site consultation from the Skeptical Scalpel Institute. We can show you ways to improve your standing without the need for expensive new patient safety programs. Just show us the money, and your rating will go up.

If you are pleased with your ranking and want to advertise your Skeptical Scalpel designation, you must first sign a contract with us. We sell banners, plaques, lobby displays, coffee mugs, and T-shirts. Call to discuss details. Operators are standing by.

Fee schedules for consultation and advertising will be provided upon request.


Skeptical Scalpel is a retired surgeon and was a surgical department chairman and residency program director for many years. He is board-certified in general surgery and a surgical sub-specialty and has re-certified in both several times. For the last three years, he has been blogging at and tweeting as @SkepticScalpel. His blog averages over 1300 page views per day, and he has over 7800 followers on Twitter.