The United States Government Healthcare Appointment line!



United States Health Care appointment line.

You must first find your social security number.

Press the number keys on you keypad to input this number.

If you do not know how to do this, you may say the number at the sound of the tone.

If you do not have a telephone, go to the nearest Government Healthcare appointment office, which is tattooed on the inside of your left wrist.


Your left wrist is the one opposite your right wrist which has the ID/GPS chip implanted without charge by YOUR United States Government


Thank you.  If you are requesting an appointment with your health provider, press 1.


Thank you.  For an NP, press 1

For a PA, press 2

For a noctor-in-training (someone who wants to provide you with healthcare, but is not an MD or DO), press 3

Should you desire an MD or DO, that option is no longer available.


If you are a member of the United States Congress and have dialed this number in error, please dial 1-let-emE-cake.

WARNING: Do not dial this number if you are not a member of Congress and do not have the proper ID.  If you do so in spite of this warning, your health card will self destruct and you will no longer have a health card number.


Thank you for using the United States Government Healthcare Appointment line…another way in which YOUR government is working diligently to serve YOU.


Doctor Curmudgeon® is a physician-satirist and often hides behind Diane Batshaw Eisman, M.D. FAAFP, a writer/physician.  This column originally appeared on SERMO, the leading global social network for doctors – the virtual doctors’ lounge and the home of medical crowdsourcing.

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